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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

To-Do List

My New Year resolutions mostly consisted of resolving some minor, but annoying health problems I have been having, and, of course, being a better parent.

Feet
The first one was my feet. My family doctor was very wise when she recommended that I needed a new pair of winter boots. I took her advice and my little tootsies no longer get numb when I go outside, nor do they get red, itchy and swollen when I come inside and they start to defrost. Yay! Looks like the podiatrist was wrong: I don't need to move to Florida, start driving everywhere in the winter, or even see a vascular surgeon.

Unfortunately, after a few of my regular workouts once we returned from Florida, the blister on my left heel, is as bad as ever. The right one is almost healed, but this stupid one on my left food is really bad. I'm not sure what to do...it probably requires like a month of absolutely no exercise to get completely better but I don't think I can handle that, I'd go nuts!

Eyes
The next issue was dealing with my eyes. Frequent eye infections from my contact lenses have been driving me nuts leading me to contemplate laser surgery. I saw the eye doctor last week and learned that this may not be the right thing for me. All of my ocular problems are due to having extremely dry eyes. This makes me more prone to eye infections and makes it more difficult for me to tolerate contacts. Unfortunately, I refuse to live life wearing glasses! She informed me that laser surgery would only worsen this problem and suggested we first try switching me from 2-week wear lenses to daily lenses. In addition, she wants me to return to have further tests to see if I might be a candidate for a procedure that involves blocking the tear ducts to get more moisture to remain in my eyes. Sounds kind of icky but I'm game if it will help. Oddly, she has always attributed my dry eyes to my underactive thyroid, however, my endocrinologist said she had never heard of this connection. So next step is trying out the new lenses when they arrive (she had to order them) and going back to see if I should have this procedure done.

Patience
I am ashamed to admit that I have not succeeded in being more patient and affectionate with Big A...because...to be honest...she just makes me SO ANGRY!!!

Since returning from our winter holidays, weekday mornings have become a challenge again. The usual defiance is back. This morning was particularly frustrating. Big A was distracting Little A when I was trying to nurse her and ignorning me when I asked her to stop. Then, when it was time to leave for school and brave the massive snow storm outside, she refused to put on her boots and coat. Then she intentionally put her boots on the wrong feet. Then she refused to do up her boots only to start throwing a fit when we got outside because she got snow in her boots.

Dealing with Little A was no picnic either. She is obsessed with anything to do with "Happy to You" (i.e. birthdays), including candles and cake. So she only wants to wear her new pjs she got for Hannukah covered in cupcakes. In fact, she loves them so much that she threw a huge fit when I tried to take them off her this morning so I could get her dressed. She just kept screaming, "Happy to You!" and would roll over and try to run away as I attempted to get her clothes on. Later, when we finally got Big A to school, Big A insisted on calling Adam on my cell. Little A wanted to talk too and then would not return my phone to me. I finally snatched it from her and was rewarded with hysterical screaming for 2 blocks, with other parents looking at me like I am some kind of monster. Little A was so angry, she kicked off one sock and shoe and refused to let me put them back on. "Fine, have a bare foot" I yelled (she was in the stroller with the plastic weather cover down so I don't think this constitutes abuse) and she howled for another block until I stopped and asked if she was ready to let me cover her foot and start behaving. "Da" she said and finally she calmed down.

Once we got to Little A's daycare, I realized that my $50 hand knit hat that I got in NYC a few years ago was no longer under the stroller (I started out the journey with just my earmuffs on, not realizing how cold it is today). I had to trudge all the way back to Big A's school, freezing my @#$% off, but luckily found that it had dropped out inside the school, just below Big A's hook and cubby space and was there waiting for me.

It is still snowing and as I sit here in my furry slippers, eating porridge and drinking tea, I am dreading the massive snow shovel job I am going to have to do in a few hours. Fortunately, I have a good excuse to stay put at my desk as I just realized yesterday that my second last course for my miscarriage/infertility counselling certificate begins today. For some reason I thought I had January off from that as well. Oh well, it's not nearly as demanding as the courses for my Masters, so it is still kind of a holiday.

My friend Megan, a mother of 3 who has more patience than I will ever have, sent me this email today. You may have seen it already but I think it is so incredibly funny I wanted to post it.

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

Lesson 1



1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.



Lesson 2



Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.



Lesson 3



A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)



Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.



Lesson 4



Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?



Lesson 5



Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.



Time allowed for this - all morning.



Lesson 6



Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.



Lesson 7



Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.



Lesson 8



1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.



You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.



Lesson 9



Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.



Lesson 10



Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.



Lesson 11



Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

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