While the purpose of this blog is to document my attempt to reinvent my career, I am also going to cover a lot of parenting issues, seeing as that is really my primary job right now. We have one daughter turning four in May (Big A) and one turning one in April (Little A). I feel very fortunate to have two, beautiful, healthy girls, and ones that absolutely adore each other (at least for the time being). But I'll be honest...and I know I may upset people by saying this, I HATE BABIES! While I found that first year with Big A to be challenging...this time around, I have been utterly miserable. Granted, we had a lot more support from family with Big A, and Little A has thrown a lot of curve balls at us, that Big A did not. Big A ate and slept well at night, period. Our only real challenges with her was that she wasn't a great napper until we moved her down to one nap at 16 months, and she was high maintenance - she would not entertain herself for a second, you had to do the entertaining.
Little A is the opposite. Great napper and great at entertaining herself. But she has, nevertheless, made the past 9 months super challenging. First, she was a terrible sleeper at night,waking so often I developed severe anxiety and my former problems with insomnia returned with a vengeance to the point where even if she was sleeping, I was barely getting 3 hours a night for a few months. Little A also went through a phase where she would only breast feed at home, not in public, making it difficult for me to leave the house. Oh, and did I mention she will not, even now at 9 months old, take a bottle or a sippy cup or anything except the boob. They say babies won't starve themselves, but I assure you this one will. Starting Little A on solids was no picnic either. She hated eating and would only take banana for a few weeks. Then she got a bit better and I was able to feed her a variety of fruit and veggie purees for a while until she decided that she would only feed herself. Nothing off a spoon, and don't even think of bringing your fingers near her mouth. That just makes her mad. So now we are restricted to feeding her finger foods, which wouldn't be so bad is she wasn't so picky. Currently she eats fruit, spelt bread with almond butter, cheese (not melted though!) and puffed corn. Her doctor wanted us to get her eating more solids as her weight gain has slowed, but she won't even TRY new foods. She screams and throws them on the floor. I've resorted to buying organic food bars (Rebars, made from organic fruit and veggies, and organicfoodbar, made from almond butter, fruit and greens) in order to try and balance out her diet. Little A also screams and cries if anyone except my husband and I hold her. If I even leave the room for a second, she is prone to massive meltdowns. As you can imagine, we have not been out on a date or out virtually anywhere since she was born.
Okay, so this is all normal baby stuff, you say, right? Absolutely. But I hate it. I wanted kids so having babies is a necessary evil and I know I just have to get through it, but I don't have to like it. As difficult as she can be, spending time with Big A is so much more enjoyable. We can talk and have interesting conversations, she can take walks with me, we bake muffins, go shopping. It's a pleasure! After 15-30 minutes in the stroller, Little A is kvetching, I have to take her with me to the bathroom when I pee, I often have to hold her while I'm running around the house trying to do 15 different things at once, because she refuses to be put down anywhere. Is she cute? Unbelievably so. But that doesn't make any of this more enjoyable. And I guess I'm finding it harder this time around because it's all happening while I'm trying to take care of things for Big A. So I find myself wishing away Little A's first year. And no, I don't feel guilty about it. I fantasize about all the fun we'll have once she's older. And I know we'll have lots of fun. I'm just not having fun right now.